Nick's BHWT: And The Results Are In ... Drumroll
Medical Update:
“You successfully responded to all your treatment plans this past year, you are now in remission, and will BE on a maintenance plan moving forward.” – My Oncologist
My oncologist shared those words with me this week, with a smile ear to ear (she never smiles by the way). We met to review my recent biopsy and blood results which were evaluating how this last year of work had gone. Whew!! Wow!!! Yay me!!! Holy shit!!! I said to her, “Can you repeat what you said doc …This is good news right?”. Yes, it is.
For those who like numbers:
Percentage of myeloma/plasma cells remaining currently in my body is 0.0008.
The 0.0008 is referred to as, “Very good partial remission”. Complete remission would be if it was all zeros. Regardless, I’m in remission and the maintenance plan moving forward would BE the same.
The doc said that Sloan uses extremely sensitive sensors which detect and pick up the most miniscule of miniscule cells – she said most places wouldn’t detect anything.
The maintenance plan moving forward will BE a very low chemo dosage (10mg) which is normal for patients who have had Myeloma.
I’m still numb to some degree because of everything that’s transpired this past year: All the choices I’ve had to make around health, all the doing that I’ve had to do (plus my family) including the days and months of hospital stays/visits, all the personal development work I’ve done on myself during this period, and all the praying and amazing love I’ve received from everyone. Wow. Simply fucking wow. What a trip this has been …
THANK YOU everyone for your prayers, positive wishes, messages, check-in’s, visits, gifts, love, and all you did to support me in getting to this point. Sincerely, thank you.
Personal Observations:
“Do you want to BE right …or do you want to BE happy and at peace”
A few years ago, while on a service trip to Haiti with my Men’s Group, I got into a heated debate and argument with another dude in the group – I was really fired up inside this exchange. After the exchange, my stepdaughter Petra and I walked away and she said, “Remind me to never argue with you …geez. There’s no way anyone could ever win with you when you get this way.”
Fast forward four years, my son Elias, now 12 (clearly my 12-year-olds are my life teachers) tells me he believes and stands for the opposite of my political views and values – gulp! What?!! I went after him hard without letting him respond to my questions …I kept interrupting him, dominating the conversation, and even going to shame him to get him to agree with my point of view. He finally relented and said, “fine baba …I was just kidding and wanted to share some things I was considering …” and he started to cry.
At that moment, I realized what an asshole I was being. A legit jerk. I was BEING right …yay! (sarcasm) Yet was I happy and was I having peace in my house and in my relationships? Clearly not even close.
And in that moment, I realized I have been showing my kids how to BE right vs. happy, inclusive, curious, inviting, and open. That’s not what I want to give to my kids. What I got connected to is that I have lived a life of black and white. It’s one way only and there’s no room for things to evolve, shift or BE fluid.
My aha moment came when I realized that this commitment to BEING right partly comes from this inner dialogue I have held on to since childhood where I’ve told myself, “I am stupid” – I clearly remember my 2nd grade teacher screaming at me repeatedly, “you are stupid” in front of my classmates …so I believed it and the legend unfortunately grew from there.
So, with that in the background, for years I viewed the world as black and white – right vs. wrong. Dominate or BE dominated. You are either smart or stupid. No grey, No middle ground. No room for negotiation. I was committed to showing the world how smart I am by digging in my heels – not very smart after all Add the fact that I have also relied so heavily on my intuition/gut, there’s almost no room for introducing new perspectives, information, or ideas into my world.
Although my passion and commitment to ideas, people and causes serve as a huge strength, inspiration, and gift to the world, like any superpower, they can turn into kryptonite. And that happens when I get committed to BEING right vs. BEING committed to “what’s right.” I realize now that when I am in my “right” mode, the people around me don’t feel safe – don’t feel seen or heard – and like my son, get scared and hurt. Not cool and not productive.
The world, situations, relationships, choices, politics, life are not black and white. There’s an abundant number of shades and sides to consider – that’s the fun in life. BEING in exploration, curiosity and allowing yourself the opportunity for surprise is inspiring and living in a growth mindset. And a funny thing has happened as I’ve started BEING open and inviting, others around me are starting to shift too – the reality is, that when I/we show up a certain way (e.g. open, inclusive, curious), then people and life begins to mirror back the same ways of BEING. How cool is that?!!
Lastly, operating in a black and white world without room for any grey increases your chances of missing what’s working in specific situations, interactions, and relationships. I’ve come to realize now that in every situation, both the positives and cons exist – they coexist and it's critical to disrupt your blind spot that something is either all good/positive or bad/negative.
For example, I just returned to work a couple of weeks ago (another sign of my health trending north) to find out that several key projects my team was working on prior to going on leave went virtually nowhere – important projects related to elevating employee experience and retention went into the black hole. WTF I am thinking as my team and senior leader were downloading me – my immediate default was to think what a shitshow this place is, the sky is falling and it’s time for me to leave. And then I disrupted my automatic – yes, it’s a shit show based on the results my group shared with me …and at the same time, there were lots of positives that were also shared …like how one of the projects launched had made an impact on employee engagement and burnout.
Also, I got connected to the fact that while I was out on leave, the senior leaders and team members from the organization were reaching out and sending me love so I could heal and return. My senior leader on day 1 said to not rush back and that I could take afternoon’s off to ease back in while still taking care of myself. How cool to have a senior leader like that? How cool to have colleagues who care about me as a human? Yes, it’s very cool.
So, you see, both the positive and negative (good/bad) are coexisting all the time and it's critical to acknowledge all sides – because there’s always an abundant number of shades to consider in every situation, topic, interaction and relationship. In my case, yes, things were a bit of a shit show while I was out …and I’m working with loving and caring humans which is really important for me and my health. It all exists and plays together.
I am committed to BEING happy and at peace …versus BEING right. And I am committed to doing “what’s right …versus BEING right.
It’s working already …One of my 12-year-old teachers (my son Elias) shared with me recently that he felt I was harder on him than I am with his younger brother. My immediate reaction was, “You are wrong …that’s so not true” and go into convincing mode. I then disrupted my automatic, and said, “you know what, I am sorry you feel this way …help me understand what has you experience me this way …” This time he smiled and shared openly vs. what happened last time.
You see, there’s hope for me …I’m still learning and growing and that’s super cool and worth living for …
With love, openness, and recovery,
Your healthy dude Nick
Rock-n-Roll child. And yes, we all really do live in a Yellow Submarine.
One of my favorite life teachers. And he’s wearing the right hat while taking this pic in beantown.
Anisa and Petra, my other life teacher, in Paris enjoying a much needed holiday after what we’ve been through. Now that I’m healthy, I’ll be joining them on the next trip!
My mama has been in the hospital and rehab center this past month. I Believe this past year worrying about me took its toll on her (she would never say or admit that). She’s a first ballot Hall of Famer!
With my nephews, niece and eldest. Why are they all taller than me?
Date nights are back.