Nick’s BHWT, Cycle 2 Continues

Dear Friends & Family,

As I near the conclusion of Cycle 2 (2 of 6), there is good news to share.  My weekly blood results showed that my hemoglobin level went from 8.4 (previous week) to 9.2. The hemoglobin level is one of the markers that the oncology team tracks so it’s awesome to see the numbers go up …and it’s the first time the hemoglobin number went up without a blood transfusion. Oh yeah!!

Secondly, my short-term disability concluded, and I went back to work this week -it feels like I was frozen for 100 years, and I flew back from Mars …Yes, I know I’m a bit dramatic  and it really has felt surreal to be back. I have been really good at setting boundaries and expectations with my team and with leadership so that I take care of my well-being. So far so good.

My senior leader said to me, “I will follow your lead on how you transition back.” What a gift the universe gave me with that sentiment! I get to choose on my terms on how I show up, how I manage my transition and how I react to meetings and conversations. She’s giving me full permission to dictate the terms which is super cool. So, the universe is testing me …And I am up for it …

Personal Observations:
As I re-entered the workspace, I was consumed with lots of guilt and anxiety on how I had “done” my short-term disability. As way of background, I was on disability for 2 ½ months.

So, there I was this past Sunday night, on the eve of going back to work, feeling like I had “failed” and that I had done my disability in the wrong way. You see, if you are anything like me, when I don’t stay aware, I live in the “I Should” world. I “should” do things a certain way …I “should” act a certain way …. You get the point.

I had this preconceived notion of how you are supposed to do disability (you can apply this to anything for that matter) the “right way.” I made up in my mind that there is right way to do time away from the office. Now you may be thinking, Nick has really lost it – what the heck does he mean about doing disability the “right way?”

I had it in my mind that I “should” have completed a certain amount of visualization and goal setting exercises, slept a certain amount of hours, done meditation a certain number of times a week, scribbled in the coloring books and completed the crossword puzzles that friends sent me, etc. You get the point. Lots of “shoulds”, which usually comes with judgement and comparison – judgement of myself of not doing “it” the right way and comparing myself to others that they are doing “it” right, leaving me feeling as if I am less than.

When we live in the “should”, we live in the “I am not enough” space, because of course, everyone else is doing “it” better and smarter.

Where do you live in the “I should” mindset? You may be surprised on the amount of “shoulds” we follow. I am guilty as charged 

Think about it, how often do we make up some type of self-inflicted expectation that we prescribe to ourselves that no one else knows about (or even cares about)? How often do we compare ourselves to others, thinking they are either happier than us and/or seem to be handling a situation perfectly? How often do put undue pressure on ourselves to follow some type of rule and guideline that someone else made up? How often are we living inside someone else’s playbook because we think they are the smart ones?

You get the point. The only “should” in my case is to BE healthy. And there is no right way or “should” way to do anything or to get healthy. When I notice myself operating from that place of “should”, I find myself walking in someone else’s shoes where life occurs as clumsy, awkward, and inauthentic. When I’m following someone else’s path, I have no ownership or connection to it.

I have a saying which is, “It’s all made up…all of it. So, since everything is made up, then you might as well go out and make something up that will serve the greater good (which will include you).”

And with that I realized that I “did” disability in the most authentic and complete way that I know. It looks different that everyone else . . . and that’s my good news because I own how I “did” disability. And the way I did disability is clearly producing positive results.

So, I’m grateful to have rediscovered this conversation that I have permission and the power to make it up.

Secondly, a friend shared Google's CEO, Sundar Pichai, recent speech --- Hope it resonates with you . . .

Google CEO Sundar Pichai
(He gave a speech in only 60 seconds) He said:

Imagine life is a game of 5 balls that you manipulate in the air trying not to fall these balls. One of them is rubber, and the rest is glass.

The five balls are:
Work, family, health, friends, soul.

It will not be long before you realize that (work) is a rubber ball. Whenever you fall, you will jump again, while the other balls are made of glass. If one of them falls, it will not return to its previous form.

It will either be damaged, bruised, cracked or even scattered.

You have to be aware of that and strive for it.

Manage your work efficiently during working hours, take the time to be assured of your sincerity, give the necessary time to your family and friends, take appropriate rest, and take care of your health. If you are gone, it isn't easy to return as it was.

With love and healing,
Nick

My first lunch date. Yay!! They let me out!! Getting stronger and great to be with some of the dudes in my life.

One of my favorite things to do these days is to watch my boys play basketball which was my favorite sport growing up. Definitely fills me up.

I’m trying to be as tough as the Steel Curtain.