Nick’s BHWT, December 11, 2021
Hi everyone!
It’s been a couple of weeks since I provided an update and shared some of my insights.
On the Good News front (I was known as Mr. Good News when I had my radio show/podcast) there’s lots to share.
This week I met with the oncology team, and as I have mentioned, we discussed 4 key markers/areas that they monitor (they monitor more than 4, but we focus on the 4 areas during our meetings based on my blood work).
I have already reached 2 of my goals in 2 of the key markers out of the 4 and I am super close on the other – and that’s just after three months!! Yay!!! As a result of my progress, the myeloma continues to flush out my body, my energy level is improving and my anemia is becoming less of an issue and factor.
Also, on the back pain side, my back pain (with an exception that I’ll describe below) has been at a minimum (2 at most on a scale of 1 (low) to 10). With the back pain going away, they have lowered my pain meds by more than half and I’m on my way to weaning off them. And because the back is getting stronger, I will be starting physical therapy in the next few weeks. All good stuff!
In other News, I will most likely (95% chance) undergo a bone marrow transplant right after my chemo treatments this Spring. What we discussed with the oncology team, is that when I complete my six months of chemo treatments at the end of February ’22, we will do an evaluation – the evaluation includes reviewing the blood work for the 4 areas we are tracking, a biopsy and a Pet Scan. Based on those results, we will determine if more chemo is required (if I continue to trend the way I have been, then that’s less likely), if I’m proceeding with the transplant immediately or just starting a maintenance plan.
Without going into all the medical gory details, the myeloma has caused a specific chromosome mutation which greatly increases my chance for the myeloma coming back so the transplant really becomes the final step and the best option for minimizing this high risk.
I have to admit that this part of the conversation bummed me out – it’s another major step in the journey that will require a bunch of invasive steps up front to prep for the transplant and then I would likely be in the hospital for about 3 to 4 weeks for monitoring – basically, in layman’s terms, the transplant deletes and replaces my current immune system and rebuilds it back with new cells (which they take from me during the prep stage). It’s a big deal that has me a bit bummed out and a bit scared – and I know that everything will work out and it’s the best path to being 100% healthy.
Lastly, as I mentioned above, my back has been getting good news, but this past Wednesday, in the middle of the night, I experienced excruciating pain – on a scale of 1 to 10 (being the highest) I was at an 11 – the pain drove me to tears and a huge scare. My body has responded well since Thursday morning and I’m feeling good again – we agreed with the Dr that if this happens again that I’ll need to check myself into the ER for additional imaging and evaluation.
Whew! There’s a lot and so appreciate your love, attention, care, and support.
Personal Observations:
As way of background, which I have shared in previous updates, I have discussed how I have lived a life of always taking on more, feeling like I’m the driver who’s the only one who can make things happen, always being a YES, needing to prove myself to be seen as smart/expert, etc. Inside of this experience, the consequences often include feeling that I must do things alone, not knowing how to ask for support, being blind to setting healthy boundaries and unable to successfully let others in and included (which can be such a gift for others).
What I reconnected to during the last couple of weeks, is that I have had a burning desire to slow down for as long as I can remember, to be taken care of and to not feel like I always have to take the lead or to worry about all the details/angles. After a text exchange with someone recently, I remembered that I dreamed of moving to a Greek island, spending all my time on the beach soaking in the sun, making beads for others.
Although I wish I was 100% healthy, I have been grateful that by getting cancer, it has served as a reminder of this vision of beads, Greece, and beach. The vision is literal and much bigger than that – it’s a desire to slow down, to let go of the need to prove myself, to accept that I am perfect (with my imperfections) and to even be taken care and to ask for support, so I am doing things in connection and partnership with others …rather than feeling the burden of being alone.
So, I had an interesting reaction, when for example I shared with Anisa, that they were significantly lowering my back pain and that the doc said I could even drive again. Her immediate reaction was, “Great, you can start driving again” and my default took over and I replied with, “Yes, of course”, not even considering if this is even something I want to do right now. Or when I told my ex-Julie, that I went to my Men’s Group retreat weekend, she replied with, “Great, you can start taking the boys to school in the mornings again.”
And in those moments (and a couple of more), I got scared that I was no longer going to be taken care of – I was going back to my old life of taking things on in the same way I have done before. And I started to realize that maybe I’ve used cancer as a way to secretly ask for support, to slow down, to ask to be taken care of; to ask to slow down because it would be hard for anyone to deny me in the condition that I’m in.
All that said, what I started to get present to is … am I going to get in my own way of getting healthy because I don’ know how to ask for what I truly desire – am I using the cancer as a disguise to fulfill on my desire for beads, Greece and beach. Gulp.
It’s no coincidence (I don’t believe in coincidences), that since I was told that PT was going to start, I could start driving shortly, my blood results have been strong, etc. that the two weeks since I last wrote, I have felt more sick, more tired, etc. I do believe that our thoughts and feelings get manifested through our body and even sickness so I have been present and worried that I could potentially be getting in my way of getting healthy because the only way I know to slow down is to have a traumatic event happen.
It’s similar in what I have noticed in friends, family, and people I have coached. Often, we wait for a traumatic event to finally make that courageous and authentic choice to be and create something different …rather than being proactive in making choices as we become aware that it’s time for something different. When I/you make choices to change, based on a traumatic event (e.g., cancer), often it’s happening from a reactive place …playing catch up. When we are reactive and in catch up, we are operating from a desperate place which results in being less creative, free, and collaborative.
When we are proactive and intentional, we are operating from a place of urgency (different than desperation) resulting with an experience of being more free, joyous, connected and outside of our heads, collaboration, and innovation – it’s because we trust ourselves in making new choices and that we are going to navigate successfully inside those new choices.
So, going to back to my new awareness about my desire to being different moving forward, and that I may be getting in my way as I start getting healthier, I realized that I don’t need cancer or any traumatic event to set boundaries, be taken care, ask for support and include others in making things happen. You may be thinking, duh! Please know this has been a huge blind spot for me.
I am giving myself permission to being different and letting others be a part of my new normal – I am letting go that I am all alone in the world – I am letting go that I need to be sick in order to ask for a glass of water, or to rest and not have to do something I don’t want to do.
Listen to your body when it tells you that something is off in a relationship or in your life. Notice, notice, notice what you dislike and what turns you on. And be proactive in making a new set of choices. Disrupt the automatics like I have described with my defaults.
“The way you think, the way you behave, the way you eat, can influence your life by 30 to 50 years.” – Deepak Chopra
With love, beads, Greece and beach,
Nick …aka Mr. Good News
Loving the long hair on my little Dudes of Disruption. Yes, we are avoiding the barber these days. Rock-n-Roll.
Thanksgiving 2021. So grateful to have my mama and all my powerful and amazing people around me for the holiday. Grateful to be alive!
Big teen sister giving advice. Is that a good thing? Hmmm…
I watched the kids put up the tree and the ornaments. This is me practicing being the new Nick and letting others in and being cool with them taking charge.