Nick’s BHWT, February 5, 2022

Greetings to my Gang!

Medical Update:

“Sometimes the light's all shinin' on me …Other times I can barely see …Lately it occurs to me ...What a long, strange trip it's been” - Grateful Dead

What a long, strange trip it’s been …indeed, Jerry! We are in month six …the final month of my current chemo treatment plan. After this week, I have only two treatments left and then the nurses at Sloan will gather around me and ring the bell to acknowledge that this part of the journey is complete! Can’t wait.

Sidebar: I have asked for a bottle of ginger ale at my completion ceremony – they offer no drinks or crackers on the cancer floor! What’s up with that? So, it’s become a joke between the nurses and me, that I ask for ginger ale every time I’m there . Yes, I am a pain in the ass even with cancer.

Physical therapy sessions continue for my back, and I have my exercises at home that I am now doing to get this back strong so I can play in that competitive basketball game between my two oldest friends against my pesky two boys and my giant nephews. Can’t wait again!

In the background, we’ve been talking to the oncology team about what’s next after my last treatment on 2/16. What’s next includes a biopsy and Pet Scan and a sit down with the team to determine next steps based on the results of both, along with the blood results. What will happen is that I will have to undergo a three-day process where they extract healthy cells from me, which they will then freeze in preparation for the stem cell transplant …regardless of when the transplant happens, immediately next, or we wait.

Personal Observations:

“Friends are angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have trouble remembering how to fly”

I had a bit of a setback this week when I met with the oncologist. She shared about my “what’s next” and what my life may look like in the future. Based on her responses, which was based on research that is now a bit dated, I was a bit shocked and taken back. I went home defeated and deflated. And I sat with the sadness and all the emotions. I cried.

I could tell that some of my closest friends and family were worried, which I understand, and so love them for caring so much. What I got connected to, and shared with them, is that I needed to feel what I was feeling in that moment, rather than stepping over and around it which is often the default that we do or encourage others to do.

And then I was reminded of how I would coach anyone …that it’s important to share where you are and to “be with” with your experience fully – to give yourself permission to allow all the emotions. Even if it feels icky, messy and fugly – which it did for me for about 24 hours. The acknowledgment of “what is” and “what’s there” builds the resiliency - not burying it or stepping over it. Burying or pretending hurts your resilience because you are too busy figuring out how to not share; that is, being inauthentic and carrying all the weight on your shoulders to avoid showing weakness. I’m so done with that conversation.

So, I took on my coaching for yours truly. Finally, by giving myself that permission to go there, even if it didn’t look good (which up until now has driven many of my choices), or feel good, I was able to shift over the next 24 hours ... rather than having it last longer, or worse, having it rear its fugly head sometime in the future. Which it always does. It’s important to “be with” the emotions and the moment. And then for me, it’s easier to choose something different, something empowering, which I always do. But I need to feel bummed first, like I did during those 24 hours, to come back stronger. Which I have.

By allowing myself to “hit bottom”, I was able to ask one of my favorite questions, “Now, What?” Now that I am where I am, which as I described was pretty low …” Now What?”

Part of the answer included my realization that much of the research that’s out there, doesn’t include or apply to me – e.g., most Multiple Myeloma patients are older and in their 70s – I am younger and I’m healthy. Secondly, two people sent me an article published in “Nature”, and the New York Times, within those 24 hours, without knowing about my conversation with the doc; highlighting new trials and advances that are currently happening that are game changers – think the universe was sending me a message? Yep. Always does if you are in invitation to it.

And then Anisa framed it perfectly for me. Multiple Myeloma is something that will be part of my life and I get to choose how I interact and relate to it. Many of us are living life with several things …or have loved ones we care about, who carry with them medical conditions, and are living life large and fully because that’s what they choose.

I am grateful for this conversation with the oncologist because I now get to “be with” my cancer and condition in a new and healthier way. Instead of stepping over and around it, I get to accept that it's part of my story and I get to choose how to “be with’ it moving forward.

Lastly, my question brought an outpouring of love, support and reminders that I have a bad-ass gang out there in the universe who have my back. I shared it with my family, closest friends, and members of my two men’s groups, and their responses overwhelmingly lifted me up to new heights – they reminded me how to fly and how far I can go …Thank you. Like really, you bad-ass gang.

Be nice to you. Be nice to your 7-year-old self, who’s always there with you too. Be nice to your gang so they lift you up when you need one.

With love, insights, and healing,
The T-Birds and the Pink Ladies

P.S.
As a board member for HEART School in Haiti, my two men’s group is doing a 50/50 Super Bowl Box fundraiser to raise between $10k to $12k so the school can expand its cafeteria which will include a new teacher’s lounge along with building a new 5th & 6th grade classrooms. $10 boxes - $500 goes to the school and $500 to the winner. Please let me know if you want to make a difference while having some fun. Thank you.

Nick’s BHWT, February 5, 2022

Nick’s BHWT, The Journey

Nick’s BHWT, Happy New Year!