Nick’s BHWT, Happy New Year!
Happy New Year!!
When do you stop saying Happy New Year? Seriously Well, I wish you a 2022 filled with awesomeness, personal breakthroughs, deep connections, joy, health, and laughter deep from the belly.
Medical Update:
We are in the 7th inning stretch of this thing called my chemo treatment – we are in the middle of cycle 5 of 6! “Holy Cow Frank Messer!” (Sorry, reference for my ol’ time Yankee fan friends) Life happens when you are busy getting healthy. To put things in perspective, I have four chemo treatments left before the big pow wow about what to do next. Yes, we are in the 7th inning, with four treatments left, and my lefty specialist is in the game, with my main set-up man and closer warming up in the bullpen. I am full of baseball references!
Once I complete my next four treatments, we will have the full evaluation of what to do next – that evaluation will be at the end of next month and that will include a biopsy (ugh), a pet scan (yay no MRI!!!!) and the full evaluation of my blood work like we do every month. Thank you to friends on this thread who have introduced me to folks who have had a stem cell transplant so I could talk to them about their experience since the transplant may be the next step in my journey.
For the moment, my results continue to BE positive – I’ve already hit two of my four goals and I’m super-duper close on the other two key markers.
My back is getting lots of TLC these days - I’ve started physical therapy and I have two braces that I wear when I’m doing activities to support my lower back muscles and hips and to keep my posture straight. I have also started a new bone enhancing medication that’s been added to my IV drip that will support me in building back my overall bone structure that’s been impacted by the myeloma.
In other news, I had an awful back pain episode last Friday night where my pain level reached an 11 on a scale of 1 to 10 and brought me to tears. I literally fell asleep at 7:00 am that night . . . or morning the next day. This is the second episode in 6 weeks, so I am talking to my team about exploring this matter. I will share more on this below because I may know who the culprit was for this latest and not so greatest episode. Other side effects recently include my ankles blowing up and being so swollen that at times it’s hard to get my shoes on and I’m still visiting the bathroom way too many times that I have lost count – my tushy hurts! Lol. I guess my tummy is not liking this chemo stuff …
Personal Observations:
“Love yourself first, and everything else falls in line. You really have to love yourself
to get anything done in this world.” – Lucille Ball
Last week, which was the first week of January, was not the best example of self-care and so a lot came up for me that I wanted to share.
Work was absolutely bonkers, and I was in out-of-control mode. Yes, I know I have cancer and I’ve made a commitment to be loving to myself …this why I’m sharing :) I am telling on myself which is the fastest way for me to shift.
For those who have seen the movie Goodfellas, I felt like I was in that scene late in the movie when the helicopter is flying overhead and Ray Liotta is running into his house like a madman, running up the stairs into his room screaming “Karen!!” And he’s filled with sweat, and his hair is all over the place … yes, I’m known to be dramatic but that’s the experience I was having of myself and it’s interesting to notice that I didn’t stop myself and take a time out … instead I worked the most hours since coming back from my leave of absence.
And it wasn’t just the hours . . . what I noticed is that I was operating from a place of desperation versus urgency. The description of Ray Liotta I guess is a giveaway as to what my BEING was like last week. The desperation to get a ton of things done quickly, to push at all costs and that everything (literally everything) needed to get done all in five days in excellence felt like the same ‘ol Coach Nick was creeping up.
The consequence when I operate from a place of desperation is that I lose my ability to notice and take a pause to make a different choice. Desperation breeds fear in me . . . and when the fear creeped in last week, the walls closed in and all my options to make a different choice became obsolete. When fear takes over, I feel like I have no choices except to double down. And when I operate from fear, I end up working even harder because I go inwardly into my head, which means asking for support or collaborating with others goes out the window. Desperation had me work three times as hard . . . and I was doing it all alone and that spells trouble in River City for yours truly . . . because when I’m in this mode, ultimately all my creativity and innovation gets zapped because I’m in survival mode. There’s no fun in it when I’m in this place. Feels hard right? Yep, really hard. Too hard. Shouldn’t be this hard. But it is when I’m in this space.
What I also noticed is that when I operate from desperation, I go into my head, and I start to make up stories. Oh yeah, I’m an amazing storyteller. A hall-of-fame storyteller. And those stories I make up are not very pretty about what I say to myself. We are all meaning-making machines and I am one of the best machines when I’m in my desperate place. My inner dialogue was not very kind, peaceful and loving - the opposite of my core values.
So, is it any wonder that last Friday night, I was in severe pain (level 11, on a scale of 1 to 10) with my lower back throbbing for literally seven hours and bringing me to tears.
And at that moment, at around 5:00 am, I realized that it was time to choose differently. And my new choice started by speaking kindly to myself. Forgiving myself for having operated in the way that I had during those five days. I realized that even the “Warrior of Light” (see below image from the author of The Alchemist) has breakdowns. I reconnected to something I always coach others on when I’m inviting them to shift to self-care …I ask, “how would you treat and speak to your seven-year-old self?” “Would you be loving, or would you beat the crap out of them?” Well, I hope you would choose the former rather than the latter. So, I brought present my seven-year-old self and I chose to forgive myself and to realize that even when the Warrior of Light has a breakdown, that s/he is still perfect. I am perfect. Really. I am perfect and my breakdowns are perfect …and as the perfect warrior of light that I am, I still know there’s opportunity for growth and something different.
From The Warrior of Light by Paulo Coelho.
It’s no coincidence that this Friday night, my back feels healthy, and my seven-year-old self is BEING his core values of feeling loved and being peaceful. It’s no coincidence that this week, although I worked hard, I operated from a place of urgency (versus desperation) which gave me access to have an abundance of choices, it didn’t feel like I worked, I was super aware whenever I was going to dark place so I was able to choose differently, my creativity was way up, I had a bunch of fun and I asked for a ton of support from others because I lived outside of my head which meant I was connected to people.
And my inner dialogue was filled with loving and empowering conversations , finding many opportunities to acknowledge myself and catching myself “doing the right things.” So, when in doubt, choose to BE urgent vs. desperate. And when in doubt, remember to soften your inner dialogue and give yourself and your seven-year-old a break. You/I are doing our best . . . and yes there’s still room to grow and learn …and we are doing our best. Really. Even the Warrior of Light has breakdowns. And even inside of those breakdowns we are still perfect.
A special acknowledgement to my partner and love Anisa who always talks to me the way we should all talk and treat our seven-year-old selves – she is definitely what the doctor ordered.
With love, kindness, urgency, and healing,
Seven-Year-Old Nick
No, this is not Julian. This is my seven year-old self.
The boys and I at Xmas.
The kiddos happy on Xmas morning
With my boyz.
My 2022 Vision Board.
The family after Petra’s first recent HS play.