Nick’s BHWT, March 17, 2022

Medical Update:

“I see skies of blue and clouds of white …the bright blessed days, the dark sacred nights …and I think to myself, What a wonderful world”

– Louis Armstrong

Great News!!! After evaluating my blood, PET scan and biopsy earlier this month, my plasma cells went from being 80% infected by myeloma, all the way down to 0.038%!! The cancer has literally vanished. My gang (you all) kicked some serious health ass these past six plus months. Amazing and thank you!!

That said, because the cancer caused a mutation in one of my chromosomes, I have become a high risk for the myeloma coming back sooner.

Next Steps:

I’m doing the extraction of my healthy stem cells on 4/12 (my dad’s bday), which they will freeze and use for the transplant
For the extraction of my stem cells:
- I’ll get injected with two needles every day for five days leading up to 4/12
- the day before, 4/11, I do my usual two injections – and I also get a catheter placed into my chest which will be used for the extraction and then for the transplant.
- the extraction can be from 1 to 4 (in the hospital during those days for up to 5 hours each) days which means these injections are happening for almost up to 8 days
A week later, on 4/20, I check into the hospital for the stem cell transplant
On the same day, I do a heavy dose of chemo, where I will lose all my hair and be physically fatigued
On 4/22, I will have the stem cell transplant done and completed
Once the transplant happens, I’ll likely be in the hospital for 2 ½ to 3 weeks. And then for the 2 weeks after I’m home, I will be super out of it.

Lots to digest. My initial reaction to having to go through this next phase was a bummer and now I am starting to get myself fired up. It’s super important that I get myself emotionally and psychologically ready and bring Zeus energy to this whole experience.

Personal Observations:

“So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains, and we never even know we have the key." - Eagles

I’ve realized that I live a life of black and white – and that relates to all relationships and situations. You are either “on”, or you are “off” with me – there is no grey. If you are “on”, then I trust you, and we can stay connected. If you are “off,” then I am done with you and there’s no virtually no return. Sounds harsh? Yes, it is.

It’s likely that this way of being is a way to protect myself – finding evidence to cancel someone out so I can avoid the intimacy – it’s also likely that by getting upset at someone when I deem them “off”, it’s also a way for me to create drama, so that I can distract myself from the things that are really bothering me, avoiding the challenging conversation or having me avoid making a decision.

This all came to light recently when I was sharing some subpar experiences I was having with some of the medical staff at Sloan based on the various appointments. When a doctor or a nurse did something that occurred to me as uncaring or aloof, I deemed them as “off”, and I wanted nothing to do with them again – in fact, I literally had a blind spot around anything positive they had done for me or shared with me – instead of relating to the experience with them as a mixed bag, some good …some less good …it was a black and white result. In this case, they were so “off” for me, that I reached out to my oncology team to diminish them, I answered the customer service surveys with scathing feedback swearing I would never go back and hooting and hollering about them to anyone who would listen. Poor Anisa’s ears

Again, does this sound harsh? Yes, it is.

Look, I always say and coach others that relationships are messy. Like really messy and complicated. I always say and coach others that humans are messy. Like really messy and complicated. Yet here I am not taking my own coaching and perspective. You are either “on” or “off” with me.

And yes, that’s a recipe for setting others …and myself, up for failure. I set the bar so high that everyone around me (cab driver, person at Dunkin’ Donuts, my partner, a client, etc.) basically must BE perfect for me to stay connected to them. Does this sound harsh? Yes, and unrealistic and a set up for giving myself permission to blow relationships up and/or to use the drama to avoid the responsibility for making the hard choices.

People and situations have so many sides to them. Geez, I have so many sides and facets to me. I’m really messy and complicated. I’m the most imperfect human out there. I wouldn’t want people (you all) to treat me the way I’m describing or to expect me to BE perfect. I am not implying that you can’t get upset or have high standards and hold people accountable. What I am saying is to give people a break, most importantly, yourself. By giving people a break, you can better assess the person and experience – in my case, because I am black and white, I want to exclude anything positive they’ve done – it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy where the person I have deemed “off” can only show up as “off” because I become committed to being right about them.

I am starting to get now that I can bring compassion, empathy and love as a way to soften moments or examples when I feel hurt or misunderstood or frustrated by someone or by a situation.

People are going to BE people-ing (Robin, a mentor of mine said that) …which means they are going to step on my metaphorical new sneakers from time to time. That one incident …or that one moment, does not define them entirely. Therefore, I don’t need to shut them “off” in that instance. Give people a chance.

It’s time for me to operate in the grey and let go of my righteousness. I’m excited about what will open in my relationships and what becomes possible from this “grey” place. Whew! What a relief and weight off everyone’s back especially me …who had five breaks in my back. No coincidence!

With love, greyness, and healing,
Nick

Nick’s BHWT, March 17, 2022

Nick’s BHWT, The Home Stretch

Nick’s BHWT, The Journey