Nick’s BHWT, The Home Stretch

Medical Update:

“Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did” – Elton John

We’re in the home stretch!  Checking into the hospital today, Saturday, 4/23, for my stem-cell transplant, which is called one's “second birthday.” And since April 4th was my first birthday, I really get to continue the birthday celebrations on 4/23. Sounds fine to me ! So please, please send me your loving and healing energies.

As background, these past two weeks were incredibly intense as I had to go through several steps, including the stem cell collection, to prepare for the transplant. The stem cell collection included:

• 6 days of injections in the morning and evening. The injections produce stem cells in the bone marrow and then push them out to make it easier to collect.

• 2 days of stem collection using the “Back-to-the-Future” machine (see pic below) for about 4 to 5 hours each day.

We ended up with 9.3 million stem cells! That’s good for at least 3 transplants if I ever need the other two.

And add to this the number of appointments I needed for pulmonary tests, EKG, chest x-rays, dental check, etc. to be approved for the transplant. Whew! Like I said, this was one of those few weeks for the ages.

Personal Observations:

“Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”— Marianne Williamson

Because of my commitment to having peace in my life and being a loving human, I have been thinking a lot about forgiveness and its meaning:

What does it mean to forgive someone? How do you forgive someone who’s hurt you …and in some instances someone who’s committed the unthinkable? And what does it mean to forgive yourself? I am by no means complete with my exploration and wanted to share my initial thoughts.

In speaking with my therapist, I came to the realization that one major payoff for forgiving others is that I get to let go (or loosen the grip) on all the ill feelings and thoughts I have about those who I have deemed hurt me. Meaning, by holding on to my grudge and righteousness toward someone (there’s a few who come to mind), I get anchored even deeper into those feelings and thoughts of judgment, hurt, frustration, let down, hate and anger … to the point that all I start to see through my lenses are all those disempowering experiences.

What you feel and experience expands and manifests itself. The ultimate consequence for not forgiving someone is that I manifest those disempowering feelings and thoughts – by giving them power because of my attention to them, I avoid the responsibility of making different choices that would allow me to move forward. By being caught up in the hate, I miss the opportunity to be present, thus missing experiences and opportunities happening around me. And that can leave regrets.

For example, when my dad was dying, I was unable to come to grips with forgiving him for the things I felt wronged by him. Regardless of if those stories were accurate, I was angry and hurt with him … and I could not forgive him. By not forging him, I was living in my head during that critical period, instead of being present and connected to the moment of having him for the last few months. And giving myself the freedom to no longer be anchored by those thoughts/feelings for the rest of my life.

Secondly, another payoff for forgiving myself (oneself) for a situation, result or relationship I’ve experienced is I get to reframe the story I’ve made up about my role in creating those undesirable outcomes. I know for me it’s important to bring kindness, softens and compassion to the choices I made when things turned south. And I don’t mean that I am taking myself off the hook. Rather, I no longer look at things as positive/negative, right/wrong, or good/bad – everything is just an experience. Inside of each of those experiences, I made choices which created a learning and growth opportunity – by reframing this way, I'm able to remove the self-beat up and instead can expand and share my experience with others in the hopes of making a difference.

For example, 22 years ago I walked into my CEO’s office and told him to F-off … yep. The next day I was escorted out of the building. For years, I beat myself up and thought I was the biggest loser in the world. Yes, I don’t recommend you do that as a general practice. And I'm realizing now that this incident was part of my journey in opening my eyes on how I was showing up in the world … and this situation had me realize that it was time to change – it’s how I moved into coaching, transformational work, etc. If I had continued to beat myself, I would miss the learning opportunities and avoid making the necessary choices to move ahead – when I avoid, I am living in the year 2000 even though I am physically in 2022.

Lastly, forgiveness is not about rationalizing or excusing disrespectful and irresponsible behaviors that I chose, or the choices others made who hurt me. I believe it’s ultimately about letting go of all those icky feelings and thoughts, so I don’t make myself sick and allow myself to view the world as a fearful place.  

It’s not about letting those who have deeply hurt me off the hook – by softening my relationship with them, I am ultimately being more loving to myself …because the world is my mirror. 

It’s hard being a human. It’s important to bring compassion and give people (most importantly myself) some level of a break. By being different to them, I am different to me.

Even in the case where someone has done the unthinkable to me (and that has happened), by relating to them differently, I treat me so differently.

As a member of my Men’s Group said years ago, “do you want to BE right, or do you want to BE happy?” …Well?

So, I am committed to disrupting holding on to what no longer serves me or others, so I get to shed the chains I’ve carried for years.

As I said, I am still a work in progress around this very important conversation. Please let me know your perspective on this matter.

I’ll be communicating back out after we are done partying for my 2nd birthday!!

With love, forgiveness, and healing,

Nick

A few photos from my (1st birthday) celebration earlier this month! I blew out the candles with one breath to keep up with my 91-year old mom.   

Opening day with the Yankees and the boys (an annual tradition).

Grateful to see the boys play!

The "Back-to-the-Future" Machine and my stem cell prep:

And, off we go (with a little less hair today)!