Nick’s BHWT, October 3, 2021

Hi, friends and family, 

What a week!!! Lots to share. Kicking things off, cycle 1 is officially complete! My first cycle of chemotherapy is in the books …Yay!! Now I get a week off from treatment. 

Even better news is that my test/blood results came back this week and my numbers are encouraging - cycle 1 produced good progress on the key markers that the oncology team monitors - so, high fives all around for the great start :)  

Secondly, I extended my short-term disability. I was meant to go back to work today, 10/4, however I’m still not ready physically or emotionally to return. My new return date is 10/25 – grateful that my organization is working with me.

Also, this week I had my third blood transfusion. My hemoglobin levels came back low (which is what caused me to pass out twice previously) so they gave me a transfusion - my energy level sky-rocketed the first night after the transfusion …a serious jolt ️which was nice because I was starting to really drag. 

As I get into my second and third cycles, the actual chemo treatment will start to impact the anemia in a positive way, resulting in not having to do another transfusion again. 

Lastly, I mentioned last week that my back pain had elevated to new heights and that I was going in for an MRI. I went in for the MRI this past week, however, I had a major meltdown when they tried to put me through the machine - I’m claustrophobic so there was no way I could go through with it. I was so upset with myself. I know …I know…and this is my relationship to small/tight spaces.

My oncologist found me on the Sloan campus afterwards and she was laughing at me when she approached me - she said, “You did warn us that the MRI would be an issue so I can’t be mad at you”. I really do appreciate that she made light of the situation which helped take the edge off and to take away the self-judgment I was experiencing. 

We decided we are going to do the MRI under sedation next week. Whew! Last time I did an MRI under sedation I thought I was at a Reggae party so this should be lots of fun 

Overall, I’m really pumped that my important markers revealed positive results after cycle 1. 

Personal Observations:

A friend of mine asked me this week, “why do you want to live…?” At first, I was taken back by the question. I thought to myself how insensitive of him to ask based on my current situation. 

And then he invited me to sit with the question …like really sit with it. Of course, I want to live, I thought …there’s so much to live for. There are so many reasons. And yet in that moment, I realized the question deserved further and deeper reflection. 

As I sat with the question, I thought about Viktor Frankl’s book, “Man’s Search for Meaning.”  Frankl was a survivor of the Nazi concentration camps and in his book, he outlines the role HOPE played with the people who survived the camps and those who did not. 

Simply put …those who had HOPE …those who believed there was a reason to live and who gave themselves a reason to look to the future, were the ones who survived. The ones who lost hope did not make it.

Yes, I want to live. And that’s important to acknowledge. And then the real inquiry begins as to WHY …like really WHY. What is my HOPE …like in the book. I invite you to join me. This is an ongoing conversation.

So, I spent the week in an inquiry and also doing a couple of exercises about the “what’s next” for me - what do I HOPE to do next …what do I HOPE to create as I live out the next phase of my life. 

What became clear for me is that I want to live a life filled and surrounded by fun/joy, peace (within myself), contribution, connection, and love. I purposely choose these ways of being, so they serve as my guiding principles for the choices I make moving forward. I’m choosing these ways because I believe that they will ultimately serve as the best way for me to make a difference in the world while also filling up my bucket with awesomeness.

Also, by getting clear about the person I want to BE for the world, it will allow me to stop sweating the small stuff and to stop getting “stopped” by unhealthy things/people.

All that said, I want to highlight the importance that joy/fun and peace (peace within myself) will play for me moving forward. I grew up in an immigrant home where it can be a badge of honor to be consumed by the suffering and the struggle. This mindset had the world occur at times as an unsafe and tricky place. So, I’m ready to let go of this disempowering conversation and I’m ready to embrace the awesomeness that life offers in ways I never imagined before.

I am committed to showing up differently starting NOW.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”- Viktor Frankl

With love and healing,
Nick

Committed to being joyous and generating fun. Good numbers after a month!!

I love the team at Sloan. So caring and grateful for them.

We were in CT this weekend for the first time since late August. Yay! I told the boys that my vision is that when I’m fully recovered, my two oldest friends (Paul & Billy) and I will play them in a game of basketball. It’s the game we grew up playing much like my boys. So, I’m so looking forward to our game to celebrate health!